This song is about how it feels like to be a shadow, always watching his back. The song is filled with the feeling of a one sided love and the yearning of the other person response to your feelings. That even a small act may fill her heart with so much happiness. Just being around him is sufficient and won’t ask for more to jeopardize the closeness. His happiness is her happines. He doesn’t have to give her more for her to be blissfully happy 🙂 but of course, there is a sense of sadness that things just doesn’t work out as how she would like it to.
Hi guys, It’s been a long while since I’ve written in here. A lot has been happening in my life lately, and it’s time for this blog to get off its “professional” high horse and go down to the nitty-gritty of this being a personal blog.
So as you all may know, I’ve just recently separated from my 5 years of glorious reign of being one of the strongest long distance couple status. And no, this is not a post to gain sympathy or attention. Whoever will be seeing this will only be the readers that are curious to see if I post anything anymore, and they will be finding this Gem.
I have to say, I did not regret our decision to go our separate ways, at times I do miss the company and the connection that we once had. However, times have changed and people has changed over time, which is not to blamed on anyone or anything. I wished things would have been different, and our circumstances were different. But it was just not meant to be and I have come to terms with that.
This post is going to be about the different stages of a post break up summarised into the 6 R’s. This may not be a general idea but it’s something I went through and just want to share with the world about how I feel about it.
After a long push and pull of emotions, there is a sense of relief when a decision has been made. All the air cleared up to say that, things are not going work out. And yes, it may be selfish to say this, but freedom was felt. When the inevitable is coming towards the couple like a storm, sometimes, it is good for the release for both sides to concentrate on themselves for a change. People may comment that we are being weak and uncommitted, but if you know us personally and how we have been coping. You may understand. We had a good run, and the relief that we are choosing our individual future potential so that we don’t drag each other down.
Then after the relief, here comes the realisation. The realisation that he’s not around anymore. There isn’t anyone that knows me for a quarter of my living life that I can rant to and talk to about our memories anymore. No one to look forward seeing. Just a realisation that I am now, single. What do I do. What am I suppose to do. There are people who want to be NOT single for a reason, and we let this go. A lot of things were realised at this stage, how he was there for me through my ups and downs, how our families have gotten used to us being together, how friends were waiting for the big good news from us. There were many expectations from everyone around us, how we gave long distance couples hope. It felt like I disappointed everyone around me. Then the feeling moved on to the next R..
Regret. Regret. Regret. I went nuts. I spent days in bed, just thinking of all the possibilities and regretted all the choices I made. It is the worse stage I went through. And will not wish upon anybody to go through this. Going through photos, notes, messages, just reading them and getting hurt by all of them. Hurt that we didn’t try hard enough. Hurt that we could have done more, I could have done more. Regretted all the things that my “strong heart” said, I just wanted to go back in time. What if things were different. What if I put more effort in. Would we have decided what we decided? Would we have been better people together than apart? Regrets. It is an overwhelming feeling, and all your friends around you may or may not realise that you are going through. It’s the best to share what you can share with them. But, honestly, they couldn’t help much for me. Because deep inside, this is my problem, only mine. And only I can solve it.
ah-HA. This stage. Very shameful stage. The begging to go back to normal stage. You all know this is a crazy ass stage. All your heart and mind wants to do is go back to a habitual life that you’ve been living for the past years. Just want to dangerously relapse back to him and go back to normal again. But that would mean all the decisions we made would be voided. HA. It is not as easy as that. When a decision like this has been done and all have been discussed, our weaknesses exposed. It is impossible to go back to normal, go back to how we once were. So no, that did not end well. Would not recommend this stage for any post break up couples. Because unless big changes are made on both sides, this will not end well. So yeah, not a very proud stage to have been through. But it happened. Glad that he did not give in to my relapse stage and nor I to his.
It’s a reconciliation of all the shit that happened just from all the stages before. It was a reconciliation on both sides. An understanding that we both have to move on. Understanding that we both did it for a reason, and we need to honour our reasons and decision. Don’t go back to the same mistakes. I will wish him all the best, and will always support him in all matters. Because we didn’t end things ugly, we ended things by putting everything into consideration. It was ugly through all these grieving stages. But we have to put all that behind us and go through life. Never will I regret everything we’ve been through. Never will I regret my decision again. Let’s just shake hands and wish each other well. Be Happy.
I guess thats it for all the stages. The last one is when you bring yourself to start storing physical things away and memories to be locked away. And remembering that we had good times. All the fun trips we had, the experiences we went through together. I don’t regret one bit. and Never will. I will always have fond memories of you, and leave with no regrets of ever choosing you in the first place. I will be happy, and hope that you will be too.
So today is Mother’s day!
And I would like to dedicate this post to my lovely, awesome possum mum.
Technically if it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be the strong, fun and loving person I am today. I wouldn’t say that I grew up having tough love, but it was balanced love. I wasn’t showered with hugs and kisses everytime I see my mum. BUt now that I don’t see her often I do get it more often. Normally I would get greated with “LYSSA, YOU AT HOME ALL DAY WHY DIDNT EVEN WASH THE DISHES”, or “LYSSA, NOW ONLY GET UP, HOW TO EAT BREAKFAST LIKE THAT, WAIT FOR LUNCH LA”. yes. It’s probably my fault for being a lazy bum in the house. For that, I would like to apologise for my laziness mum. I’ll be better.
She is the ultimate glue that sticks us together. The major queen bee. One call of your voice and everyone of us come running after you. You can ask Andy and Adrian and even papa. That’s because she the most important person to us and we will always be there when she needs us.
My mum is very funny person. She will never threaten me to get good grades, or force me to study. She would always encourage me to do my best. Because of this, in my mind, I wanted to be the best child for her, so that she doesn’t have to worry. She doesn’t express her dreams and hopes for me to me, but I can always see it in her eyes that I have made her proud. No matter what I do. This is love, this is my mother’s love.
Anyway, hope I made you proud and I will not stop trying to be your perfect daughter.
I love you mum. Forever and always xx
Happy Mothers Day!